let's just say.

i was glad when they said unto me.
let us go into the house of the lord.

then let's say....that jay had a baby, he'd name him something like Xavier.

comprehend it, i dare you. coffee calls.



blush. eyeliner. hush, see what you
made me do.
base, mascara, erase...
i wanna look good for you.
comb, hair, don't care....
i always come my hair, make-up
pink, blue, purple, i wanna make it good for you.
make-up, made up, make,up
if i wear the dress, he will never call
so i'll tear the stress, i'll guess i'll wear my camisole
make up, made up, make up
smoke a cigarette, i'm not ready yet.

this is a nifty little song i found. it oddly has nothing to do with how i feel at the moment, i just like the lyrics, and the video that accompanied it.

today was a day. another one, in the mirage of days. i feel like they're melting together lately. i'm just, i'm here. i'm present, but really, am i there?

. emotions are just complicators, kind of like the consonants in singing at first, they just complicate everything until you learn to negotiate them into the fluid motion.

music is refreshing but i'm rather tired of classical music. i feel like i need a whole day of NOTHING classical, just for one day. i'd listen to Feist, The White Stripes, The Ramones, Sum 41, No Doubt, Whitney Houston, Keisha Cole, Ludacris and Dreamgirls all day! that's it, no art songs, or, lieder, or chansons/mélodies or canzonetta!

are you nobody too?

february one.

i found a street in greensboro today near the carolina theatre called "february one street." i thought that was amusing.

it's been a few weeks since i've written anything here, although my penned journal is full of thoughts. the opera has consumed my life untill this point, and continues to do so untill friday. so i'm afraid you won't get a complete "histoire" untill sometime after then. I will say though that I wasn't aware more than two people read this blog, if anybody out there is reading, you're welcome to comment anytime. I'm not counting comments or anything. So don't just sit there if you have something good to say about anything here.

i am cool. the end. super cool. the other end.

back to school

this week was the coming back week and i'll say, it was indeed a douzy. school has become boring for me and the first week was a confirmation of how much i'm going to have to fight my temptation to ruin things out of boredom. i got the results from my IQ test back. My psychologist started laughing when he read them, i didn't find anything funny. Apparently I'm exceptionally gifted, but I think I'm exceptionally bored. I need more of a challenge from school, and by challenge I mean something that stimulates the intellectual center of my brain. i digress...

i'm thinking of going into the military. i just feel like i'm doing absolutely nothing in college, and that's the exact opposite of why i came to school in the first place. i wanted to be excited, and in the military i'll have to the chance to see the world, kill people, hopefully promote peace and not worry about things.

i feel really....lost, again. i thought that i had some understanding of the way my life was headed but now it seems like it's all back in the air again.

off to learn music.

dans un bois noir

today is christmas eve, i'm not sure how important of a fact that is.

today i don't really have anything to bitch about. i rather have concerns. they are the following:

my tongue isn't healed yet. (it hurts to yawn)
i have yet to crack the opera score, or even listen to the music
i have yet to crack the Brahms and choral works
i have yet to determine repetory for the upcoming semester in definite
i have yet to pay my accompanist for a month last semester
i think i'm getting fat (this break means no gym)
i think i'm getting lazier (once again, break)
i'm actually getting along rather well with my parents ( oddly)
i've lost the ability to discern personablity ( i'm not sure how)

i care about a lot of things now, that i didn't before. i'm not sure why,or how or when it happened, but today i realized....damnit, here i go changing again. i'm growing up and what's worse...i'm knowledgable of the whole thing. i now realize that i can't just do (this) or (the other this) without them having their respective consequences, natural and logical. it's just....weird.

this ten day shit with the tonsils is getting on my nerves seriously. it's christmas...i had the surgery 8 days ago...and i still can't drink lemon gatorade for the citric acid. pretty much anything spicy or acidic is out. which means tomatoes on sandwichs...that's such a annoyance for me. i can't stand a dry sandwich or one without lettuce and tomato. now i want a jimmy johns, but it would take me an hour to eat it. i went to Red Robin for lunch yesterday with Meredith and it took me and hour and a half to eat the burger with a basket of fries...and i wanted more fries...so we were there a little over two hours, she's such a good friend to not just leave. i didn't think about the fact that eating out not by yourself means that you have to think their time too. i had all the time in the world. apparently i don't have all the time in the world. i'm so groggy typing this...but i want to contine because the success is i'm a t the end of the line. or setence, or song. FUCK IT....i give on that paragraph

becasue the Vicodin doesn't wait.... the gaol of this post is that i'm growing...changing in some weird fucked up ways....and now it's my responsibility to adapt to the knew me!

Lacey Callen became Lacy Callen Dean as of 9:43 AM yesterday. i think that makes all officially the Dean family, so tomorrow will be our first christmas as...the Deans! I'm excited,non of you know enough to care.iiiiiiiii should reeally get in the bed, medicine is slowing my brain towards HALT.

i've been waiting on all three since 9/19!!!!!!God is surely good the blessing of family (nomenclature and all)

christmas time is here.

usually hate christmas, but i love this year. i can't hide it, the inner bitch wants to hate it but the cheery guy just loves doing all this christmas time stuff. i baked sugarbread men today[gingerbread men come next week!], sipped coffee, listened to grossly out of tune caroling and enjoyed it all. i guess this christmas stuff isn't as bad as i always thought it was.

my mothers are funny people. i say this not because i didn't realize it before, but because i realized more than ever today. i wonder all the time how their relationship survived the ten years it has and now i realize that it's more about compromise than anything else. i won't say who i think has the better end of the deal (because some things are better left in one's mind) but i will say that both compromise and it's they key. mom bitches, and then mom helps. mom complains and then mom comforts. you all don't get the privilege of knowing which mom i'm talking about...harty har har. in any case, i think there's something to be said of my parents relationship. it's not like heterosexual marriages. honestly, sometimes i think the durability of a heterosexual marriage lies alone in the children and the marriage certificate. staying together for the kids, or having to "go through" a legal divorce isn't an option for my parents. they're literally have no legal obligation to each other, and i applaud them (and every other committed GLBTQ[whatever] couple) for doing it. i wonder if i'll ever have the capacity to compromise royally with another human being about life issues. i just can't get past the fact that i'd have to consider somebody elses ideas, when making a decision about my life. it's probably not something i should be thinking about now anyways.

i really do enjoy coffee, a bit too much. it's such a versatile drink. i can invite you for coffee, i can meet you at a coffeehouse, i can brew a cup to wake myself, i can brew a cup to relax myself, or i can sip a cup (or six) while having gingerbread cookies! there's no doubt that i love coffee, i'm still however on my kick of ridding my life of all forms caffeine but nobody can take away the love my distinct liking of coffee. i even scented my wardrobe at school with a bag of whole beans, so i could smell the coffee in the morning as i chose my clothing.

i realized today that i haven't opened my mouth to make melodious sound for a week. seven whole days, not even a humming of a whole song. it's quite numbing, to not sing. i hate it actually. i want more than anything to pop a high B flat off, just to do it. this tonsil removal surgery has made me extremely aware of the muscles that make up my throat. i'm not going through a stage where i have to triple swallow whatever i eat, because they muscles close to the soft palate, the tongue, and my actually pharyngeal muscles aren't coordinated again yet. it's quite bothersome when trying to eat a beef patty, a homemade non flattened, non soy, well seasoned, medium rare beef patty. i also have to push fluids through my body like a mad man. two bottles of gatorade a day. i don't mean the tiny gatorades you carry with you to a tennis match. i mean, i have a hang-over bottles that you nurse the entire day after a night of way too much fun. i'm just going to say that i'm now thankful for the wonderfully functioning throat that i do have, and i wish it a quick return, so that i can learn this music. i'm honored to have been selected as the tenor soloist for the Brahms Neue Liebeslieder Waltzes that a conducting fellow/friend at school is doing. It's not that I was chosen but that I was chosen over two other tenors that I feel have quite the prowess when it comes to singing in general. I'll do my best. This opera is...well it is. I'm not pleased, and i'm not disappointed. It'll be an experience to say the least!

I'm starting to miss the crazy world that is college. I'm so thankful that I've had the chance to go to college, because not everybody does get that chance and to think I'm going for free! wow! In a few weeks I'll be back to my lazy old dorm style apartment, back to the rigors of the school of music, back to the bitchiness that encompasses the building, back to the warm [but mean] smiles of my teacher, and the hugs of my friends. i won't lie...i miss it, but not enough to return yet.

sleep cometh soon,


what we learned in sunday school today

if i may say so

God hates shrimp, prawns and crabs (Leviticus 11:9-12)
God hates poly-cotton blends and all others ( Leviticus 19:19)
God doesn't hate slavery (Exodus 21:20-21)
God thinks you shouldn't gripe about paying taxes (Matthew 22:17-21)
God approves of killing women and babies/children (Deuteronomy 2:33-34)

Why is God so mean? I'd always grown up under the auspices that God is love. My Godparents (who love me) are called so because they're supposed to love me in the absence of my parents ( as God should)! The bible contradicts itself alot, I'm just getting into reading it over again for myself, and for now I'm sticking to the New Testament, but when flipping through the Old Testament, i think, "Damn, who pissed in God's cornflakes man?" God is always doing some angry violent vengeful things, like....putting a whole tribe in slavery, plaguing kingdoms, turning women into salt for having human doubt, confusing tower builders and so on. God didn't play nice in the OT, I wonder why? if we're taught all the time that God is love, why wasn't he then?? God doesn't change, does he? So why then the stark contrast between the God of 3000 years ago, the God of 2000 years ago and now? After all, wasn't Christ the embodiment of God, and if so, why wasn't he as snarky as his father was?

So many wonderful questions come up on Sunday...I might actually post about life later.


can't sleep for the sheep.

yes. it is 2:30AM. no i can't sleep, yes i've tried everything. i'm waiting for this ambien stuff to really take it's toll.

i'm not sure what to write, but i know that i'm not happy with life in it's present state. i've had too much alcohol tonight, too much is never a good thing.

i never did like the premise. ever.


bricks, barlines and blood

so we're coming to the end of the semester, all this left to do:

Chemistry final
Music Theory Final
Final Skills Exam
Jury Conference
CAPP Meeting
Room Pack Up

it's a lot of shit to do, but by the 15th this semester will be over. I can't believe that it's done already. it flewby!

today was a wonderful feeling of a day. i sang my level change juries today! let's just say....when i walked out i felt great. i had to ask carlos to make sure i wasn't just being overly optimistic, but i really really felt good. today was the first time that i've walked into my juries and just sang, i didn't think about technique, or any of that stuff. i thought about making music and it happened! i'm fairly proud of the work i've done this semester. i really am and i hope the professors are as well. i thank god so much, that i was able to do that...it made such a difference in the day!

i'm very lucky to have the friends that i do. i think i do a pretty good job of discerning whom i can befriend and who i can't, for various reasons but something tonight unsettled me. i felt like i was "too much" for even my own friends. which causes me to evaluate the status of my friendships. i can be very kosher and posh and proper but you know....i've done that all my life. i've sucked up to old people ALL my life...i'm tired of it. i want to just be myself and know that somebody appreciates that for what it is. tonight i questioned that...i didn't like that at all

i met a friends potential boyfriend today. it was cute, i haven't really seen anybody react to my friend the way this person did and i loved it. they dominated and submitted at the same time. this person certainly wasn't my favourite person ever, but they were genuine and kind. i appreciated that. i couldn't repeat that joke though, i really thought "adam and steve" but given the premise under which these two people met...i wasn't going to say that. that was a line i wasn't going to cross. [see i'm not that bad]. it'll be interesting to see where that goes, and such. attraction is such a funny thing. from the outside and the inside.

i do have a heart. a gooey lush, warm, beating, blood driving and driven heart. i'm not a stone wall, i have emotions. i cried last week [because of something stupid] but i did. i'm really going to try to show that, because too many people have jokingly questioned my emotions, but the thing is....i'm not sure they're joking. i think people really think i'm a brick. i'm just not. that's that. i'm different than most to say the least but i'm not a fucking brick. i'm a human too!!! those jokes are cute...but then..yeah. i do think i've been alot nicer this semester than last. i acknowledge the fact that people have feelings now, and sometimes i actively try to prevent hurting them. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i quit.

ok...i'm tired.


ice cold veins

there's something about certain people that just sends me over the edge. today i jumped off the damn cliff. there were so many things getting on my nerves today, and for no reason. i'm not sure, it's just like the school of music straight up disturbed my spirit.

ye old jury sign up sheet appeared today. i'm singing in the morning so i don't have all day to stress out. 10:20 is kinda pushing it as far as being fully warmed up but i'm going to have to audition for gigs at 8am sometimes so i feel it's kind of my duty to just jump into things. i have no perception of what part of the day i sound best in yet. i don't pay attention to those kinds of things, my goal is to sound great throughout the entire day. it's so funny how we clammer for our time and then pick a crazy time. i'll have to be up vocalizing at 8 to really be warm at 10:20. i'm sure i'll be ok though, just got to get these translations done! lord god..i still have to memorize this italian song and the french one too!!!

i'm not sure what's wrong with me lately, but i've been a bottom feeder. i need to get to the top of the tank. seriously though.

"his heart's made of stone, his blood is cold seawater"